Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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