Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
