My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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