Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
