You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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