you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
