how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
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I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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