she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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