I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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