I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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