i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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