Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize