Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Mom said you looked used
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
