I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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