I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
