i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
