My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
