when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
