There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
