I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
