we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
