You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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