is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
