Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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