I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
