We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
