i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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