I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
