I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
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Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
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Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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