Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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