i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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