Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
