My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
