I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
