To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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