I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
