Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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