This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
