I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
