I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
