Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
