can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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