honey bunches of taint.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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