I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
