I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
