So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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