oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
