mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
