I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
