I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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