I just saw a hot homeless man
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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