And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
