sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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