Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
