to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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