We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
