I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
