I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
