can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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