Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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