Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
