This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
